Today's Considerations
[Continuing with yesterday’s recounting of an incident in order to share step-by-step the process that was used to offer a man a different
perspective which allowed him eventually to realize all of the truth involved with an
event that he had totally misperceived]
F.: "First off, from what you’ve told me so far, this seems
to be less a case of your former brother-in-law stealing your money and more of a case of your giving
your money to him. Your actions dang near begged him to take the money and run.”
[Another look that said, “I really would like to kill you.” After
a pause . . . ]
F.: "So let’s try it this way: Do you think you are going to
change him? Do you believe that he has the least bit of remorse? Do you think
your resentment is going to affect him in the least, or is your continuing anger only affecting you?
Or, is the fact actually this: you cannot change him or what happened, but you can
change the way that you function for the remainder of your existence. More importantly, is it possible that you will find peace only if
you first find a new way of looking at all of the facts involving what you called 'a crisis'?
“That’s the recommendation: that you consider objectively your
perspective of the events with your ex-wife and her brother; that you consider whether
or not you are looking at the event with at least some degree of a warped perspective;
that you consider the possibility that you may have contributed to that problem
and to all of your problems; and that you consider the possibility that a failure
to view that event, and every event, via a different perspective will guarantee
that you will suffer time and again from the same kind of experiences with many
others who will be just like that brother-in-law but whom you will nevertheless invite
into your life.
"The task now, if you are interested, is to find why your
mind was working in such a way that you were driven to ignore the facts about
that man and his history; to find why your mind was working in such a way that you were
driven to ignore what would have been in your company’s best interest and acquiesced instead
to your wife’s asking you to hire someone whom you’d have never hired had he
not been her brother;
"to find why your mind was working in such a way that you are still
driven to ignore or deny the actual state of your relationship with his sister
and, therefore, to conclude that your marriage ended because of one isolated
incident; and to find why your mind continues to work in a way that is driving you to try
to escape reality rather than see your truth and then address the true source
of your problems which is within, not without.
[Another show of anger, resulting in this:]
F.: “Tell you what, I don’t see the readiness to enter into
that process wholeheartedly at this point, so I suggest you go away for 72 hours
and consider what we’ve discussed so far; then, if you’re interested in
moving ahead, call me at the end of that period.”
[A few hours later, as expected, a call came]:
He: ”I’ve decided I’m ready.”
F.: “And I have decided you are not.”
He: “And how the hell do you figured that? I just called, didn’t
I?”
F.: “And that’s why it’s clear you are not ready. You
called, but you did not call when told to call, so you’re obviously still
emotionally-intoxicated and still very impatient and still unwilling to follow
suggestions or directions. Check your clock and your calendar and only call
after the waiting period I laid out.”
[The call ended abruptly with no other words from him]
[Then, nearly to the minute, his call came seventy-two hours later.]
F.: “Hello?”
He: “So can I come over?”
F.: “Well of course. Why not?”
[Silence, then . . . ] “I’m on the way,” then another disconnect,
followed (I was certain) by his saying “ass” to himself before going to his car and
driving to the house.
After he entered the house and took a seat in an adjacent
chair, I asked: “Is the temperature in here OK?”
He: “What the hell has that got to do with anything?”
F.: “Just wanted to check to see if you think you can stand
the heat?” [Smile]
He: [No smile in return. Only a sardonic scoff, then . . . ] “Bring it on.”
F.: “Fine. Then let’s begin. You suggested that you were
shocked and surprised that a man you knew to be a thief stole from you.”
He: “That's not what I said.”
F.: “No, but that’s the truth. He stole from his own father,
but your warped perspective blocked you from perceiving clearly that a man who
stole from his own father might very likely be willing to steal from his
brother-in-law as well.
“And your perspective is that you cared a great deal about
your company, but you left it in the hands of a known thief with a history of
incompetency. Your actions show that you obviously, deep inside, didn’t care at
all about your company. And I suspect you think that you’re a very intelligent businessman,
but who would leave the country for six weeks and leave behind a stack of signed, blank
checks while clinging to the belief that he’s a wise businessman?
“Your thinking was so warped then, and your perspective
continues to be so totally warped now, that that’s the real message you’re missing: you were surprised and shocked and then angry that a known thief . . .
stole. Is that not what thieves do? Of course you knew at the time that thieves
steal, but your mind drove you to ignore that truth, maybe so you could assume
the role of “A Bigshot” and take a six-week vacation abroad;
“and maybe so you could make your wife happy and so you
could get an “attaboy” from her by solving her brother’s need for a job and thereby
impressing her; and all the while you were being driven by fears and desires which
were – and still are - rooted in your ego-states.”
He: “Fears? What the hell are you talking about? I had no
fears. And as for desires, what the heck is wrong with desires?”
F.: “Certainly there was the appearance of fearlessness, what with your
having rushed full speed ahead into everything that you rushed into, but Alexander Pope did not say, 'The fearless rush in.' To the contrary, he warned
that it is fools who rush in.”
[That look again]
F.: “Yet it seems that you were so concerned with trying to impress
your wife and trying to make your wife happy that you did what no wise businessman
would ever do and hired - at her behest - an incompetent thief to run your business. So it seems clear to me that there must have been some underlying
fears about that relationship with her. Are you telling me that over the years, there
were never any major arguments that left you concerned? Are you telling me over the years
that during those arguments, no comments were every made which included even a
slight hint about ‘leaving’ or being ‘really disappointed or unhappy’ with you?
If not, why would you be trying to make your wife happy? Who tries to make a spouse happy unless they have some notion that the spouse
is unhappy?”
[No angry look this time. Silence. Looking down. Considering.]
F.: "Tell you what. I’d like you to go home now and consider what
we’ve discussed today and consider all of the many aspects involved with what
you perceived to be a one-dimensional problem. Then see if you can look at your
part objectively and determine if you might have been looking at all of those happenings
through the lens of a warped perspective. Then come back tomorrow and we’ll
begin by discussing whatever you might realize in the meantime which can provide a different perspective.”
[He started to reply with some counterpoint but paused, caught
himself, and said instead (again a bit sarcastically), “Yes sir, Boss.”]
Tomorrow: the recounting of the next day’s talk as the effort
to provide a different perspective continues.
Please enter the silence of contemplation.
[NOTE:
The four most recent posts follow. You may access all of the posts in
this series and in the previous series and several thousand other posts
as well by clicking on the links in the "Recent Posts and Archives" section.]
