TODAY’S CONSIDERATIONS
Yesterday, “Instability / Insanity Induced by Psychological Splitting” was discussed.
Today, “Instability / Insanity Induced By Duality-Driven Splitting” will be discussed.
As another defense, persons suffering from this disorder initially view all people as being either totally good or totally bad. Persons suffering from splitting, when in the mode of seeing only "the good," use the ego-defense mechanism called "idealization."
[See the pointer offered earlier regarding those who idealize another and, egotistically, idealize self: such persons will "look at a potential partner and write a 'pro / con' list of that potential partner's traits but will have no 'con's' on the list." Those same types are likely to idealize themselves and arrogantly "do the same with their own 'pro / con' list of traits": all "pro's" . . . no "con's," which is a complete impossibility when dealing with persons in relationships - which are always relative.]
Why do the majority of marriages and relationships and love affairs end in disaster? Is it because, as some say, that "love is blind?" No. It is because love, when viewed through the lenses of idealizing and romanticizing, is color blind. As noted in yesterday's post, in the case of "Floyd the Husband-to-Be," red flags could not - or would not - be seen.
The ego-defense mechanism of idealization is triggered when one desires to accumulate a new set of ego-states: lover, companion, spouse, the homeowner to be, the one being cared for financially, ad infinitum.
At that point, one will assign exceedingly positive qualities to self and to another.
Because all of that is dualistic and thus relative, that positive view will not last. Eventually, the use of idealization will be replaced with the use of "devaluation"; then, the earlier romanticizer / idealizer will assign exceedingly negative qualities to another.
Here, the terms used in the Advaita teachings are "upgrading" and "downgrading":
"The Spouse" soon becomes "The Super Spouse," and where originally only "The Husband" was required to satisfy the role of "The Wife," once the upgrading takes place, then "The Super Wife" must have "A Super Husband" to "survive" in her mind. The same is true for the one assuming the role of "The Husband" and then later egotistically upgrading that false self to the status of "The Super Husband."
Early on, idealization will play along with those super labels, but soon, "devaluation" will always manifest as long as persons are being tossed about in the storms of relativity; then, broken relationships or breakups or divorces will follow, along with chaos (and often along with even more instability and insanity).
Next, from Chapter Three of Instability / Insanity: What the Advaita teachings Can (and Cannot Address):
NON-DUALITY AS OPPOSED TO THE DUALITY OF PSYCHOLOGICAL SPLITTING,
Part One
Of the two types of splitting discussed earlier, the more complicated is the deep-seated, psychological version. Narcissism and arrogance were mentioned in connection with the mental illness of splitting and the use of "idealization."
It was Sigmund Freud who first mentioned "idealization" when discussing narcissism.
[Consider: How narcissistic is it to judge others - often in an instant - and conclude that they are all good or all bad?]
Freud taught that narcissism first manifests in infants who come to believe that they are the be-all and end-all, often as a result of over-indulgent parents who egotistically see the perfect child as being an extension - and even literal manifestation - of their own perfection.
Yet the child still wants the parents' love, so children internalize the traits and values modeled by the parents.
As noted earlier, certain cultures are more culpable than others of modeling their cold and uncaring and rigid and distant and excessively formal and remote and detached and aloof manner, and children in such societies and countries are especially love-starved.
The would-be-pleasing-child, who wants to receive love from such parents who are generally incapable of showing or expressing love, will unconsciously or consciously formulate an "ego ideal" (that is far from "ideal") and will internalize the values of the parents and will display a cold and uncaring and rigid and distant and excessively formal and remote and detached and aloof manner.
At some point, even a child senses that its authenticity is being choked into submission; yet in the search for love and acceptance, the child (already identified with many false ego-states) will move ahead anyway with the agenda of the ego ideal, and in that torn state of duality, children can and often do develop pathologies.
The pathologies can manifest and result in the examples of instability listed earlier, and eventually insanity of varying degrees can manifest alongside the meanness and coldness that is often exhibited by those trapped in psychological splitting.
[Note that most who are driven by splitting are functioning adults and will not necessarily appear to be "crazy"; quite to the contrary, they will often appear to be "normal" and even "charming" part of the time.]
So the child was split first, after which the child will likely use splitting for the remainder of the manifestation. When awareness of authenticity is driven out of awareness, then Freud called that situation "secondary narcissism."
In the case of secondary narcissism, the ego - the false self - is idealized. It is a short step from that action to idealizing "another" who has something that the child wants (and in later years, to idealizing another who has something that "the Adult-Child" wants.)
In many cases, the splitting can become so severe that persons exhibit the behaviors mentioned earlier: harshness with their words, coldness with their unavailability, meanness in their interactions, cruelty with their judging, and / or near-sociopathic levels of mercilessness while ignoring the impact of their words and deeds on the feelings of those around them.
While this dualistic, psychological splitting garners little attention and is thus often minimized when it is discussed, some therapists suggest that it can actually develop into a borderline pathology.
How else could one describe persons who are comfortable with being "harsh, cold, mean, cruel, and judgmental" and who are "able to ignore the impact of their words and deeds on the feelings of those around them"?
In the process of taking to the next step the idealizing of "another" who has something that the child wants (and later idealizing "another" who has something that "the Adult-Child" wants), it becomes easy for the Adult-Child to link desires, narcissism, and idealization to the libidinal drive in order to use the tools in one's "sexual kit" to control, attain, and gain.
Freud said that in those cases, the idealization of other people is a "flowing-over" of narcissistic libido onto the object; from the viewpoint of self-object relations, the object representations (like that of the caregivers) are made more beautiful than they really were.
How does that look in practice?
A woman in a neighboring state explained that a man approached her (after he had discovered that she had earned millions of dollars by operating a successful chain of businesses in several states). He was and is a charming Type Three who is quite adept at presenting a most desirable image.
So sure that he was ideal, she moved him into her house promptly after allowing a "flowing-over" of narcissistic libido onto the object. She reported a year or so ago that "He is charming and a great lover and brings so much to our relationship and to what has been missing in my empty life."
It was so easy to move him in, but now that the facade has fallen, she is overwrought with trying to find a way to move him out.
As in all cases of splitting, "All good" became "all bad." Both the male and the female in this couple were made more beautiful than they really were in their initial appearances that were maintained during the dating process, and now that pain of "the libidinal energy hook" that was used to catch what was sought is generating intolerable pain and misery. Rare? Hardly.
The use of idealization, followed by the use of devaluation, is so commonplace that most can relate directly to the chaos that the illness of splitting can generate. Since relationships are relative (note relationship) and dualistic, then at some point, persons need to make the admittedly dualistic "pro / con list" referenced earlier if they are to find all of the relevant facts about a potential mate prior to rather than after the fact.
Also as noted earlier, that list in the early going almost always ends up with only "pro's" as idealization typically drives both parties during the early, heady days of dating. (If a "negative" is seen, the belief is, "I can address that and change this person, but all of the pro's are so overwhelming, I will move on and pursue this relationship and lock it in.")
Eventually, the initial facades and images will be exposed to the light. The actually-obvious negative traits that could have been seen early on (or that were seen and denied because of a selfish agenda) begin to surface, and the former "all-pro list" becomes an "all-con list" in the pervasive realm of "splitters."
As for the Advaitin seeker, as well as for those feeling the misery generated by having dealt with "splitters" or for those still dealing with a splitter, a far deeper understanding of the potential roots of duality should be obvious as well as another root of the misery and suffering that often comes when one "love" calamity after another manifests in the absence of understanding and enjoying "Real Love."
Where does the "flowing-over" of narcissistic libido that triggers the sexual act come into play in regards to "love" vs. "Love"? The perverse mind and the warped psyche can inspire hundreds if not thousands of insane beliefs about sex, including not only the "flowing-over" of narcissistic libido onto the object but also including engaging in the act for nothing more than prurient pleasure, for financial gain, for attaining a higher lifestyle, for establishing and maintaining new ego-states, etc.
Since the narcissistic libido and "love" vs. Real Love have been raised in this discussion, let a related pointer be shared. Upon returning from a trip to South Africa, two emails from Far Easterners were in the mailbox. One explained that I should teach tantric sex; another said that I should encourage "abstinence, in order to move seekers to the highest level of purity by avoiding the sex act entirely."
To the first, the reply was that he needed to start his own teaching career, and to the second the reply was, "I don't know who you've been dating, but if her 'purity' is an issue you might want to change partners."
Here, where nisarga / natural functioning is the end game, people still advise that natural acts should be abandoned. To the contrary, natural acts are encouraged, yet the encouragement is offered alongside the invitation to stop the phoniness that marks and mars all of the "love games" that people play and to bring True Love into play instead.
As for the letters from those talking tantric sex and abstinence, they inspired this sharing in May of this year:
But do not be misled by the comment that "REAL LOVE brings nothing that is relative and takes nothing that is relative (though its awareness of Oneness is expressed in the relative act of sex when Reality is overlaid on the relative)."
When the relative act of sex happens alongside the manifestation of Real Love, the phenomenal act coincides with a noumenal awareness and results in levels of bliss and Bliss that no one can ever experience unless both of those elements manifest, coincide, intersect, and merge simultaneously.
"Full Realization" will never rob you of bliss or Bliss; to the contrary, only Full Realization will guarantee bliss and Bliss. What it might rob you of is the selfish use of sex as a tool to gain what your personas desire.
Only Full Realization will allow the True Bliss and the relative bliss to manifest, coincide, intersect, and merge, taking you to a level that you have never imagined if it has not yet happened with you.
To be continued.
Please enter into the silence of contemplation.
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