NARCISSISTS AND THE NON-REALIZED, Part Four

F.: Is it becoming clearer why NPD blocks Realization? All of the "personal traits" that are eliminated via Realization are the stock and trade of narcissists. The characteristics that narcissists develop and cling to are traits that narcissists are not likely to ever want to abandon. In their "minds," those traits make them "who they are."

If you examine the mythological Narcissus that provided the name for this disorder, another understanding might be attained. As the tale goes, a flower near the edge of a body of water grew out over the water and then downward in a way that allowed it to look at itself. Supposedly, since all that it could see was itself, it fell in love with itself. That is not quite the case with actual narcissists, though it is true that all they can see is themselves...is their false self. While narcissists can only see the reflected (false) self, the fact is that, unlike their namesake, they are not really in love with themselves (that is, with their True Self).

As with Narcissus, narcissists are really only in love with their image and their appearance, but the real difference in narcissists and their mythological namesake is that at some never-recognized level, they hate the false self and all the work required to sustain the image, but they will not abandon that mission. The life of a narcissist, therefore, always involves living in the mirror. Many narcissists will talk of love, but if one is only in love with a self-image—is only in love with self—then ultimately that person is not capable of loving “another.”

A narcissist is especially unable to love the Realized that are in touch with the True Self (and will actually hate what they see in the Realized) because the Realized will not mirror the narcissist and reinforce the false. Such hatred reveals that narcissists, at some level, feel insecure and threatened and vulnerable (for fear of their image being seen as false). Their desire to feel secure and strong will drive them to try to overpower everyone either by manipulation, by kindness or (if that fails) by brute force.

It should now be clearer why the point was offered in an earlier post that

only in the absence of personality, and thus in the absence of that personality disorder called "narcissism" which inspires an attachment to false images, can the True Self be known and can true peace happen.

Here's another case study as an example. Because narcissists cannot know True Love (that is, un-self-ish, unconditional, unconditioned Love), they mistake many other emotions for love. For example, consider the narcissistic woman with a sense of entitlement, discussed in one chapter from the book CASTING LIGHT ON THE DARK SIDE OF RELATIONSHIPS. Her case is a reminder that (1) all personality is rooted in childhood adaptations in response to dysfunctionalism, that (2) personality disorders fixate when childhood adaptations become adult personality traits, that (3) personality disorders are, therefore, rooted in concepts that were learned experientially during childhood but are carried over into adulthood, and that (4) childhood survival skills, and the subsequent childish thinking and behavior, work very poorly when applied to adult-age circumstances, relatively speaking.

In that case from the book CASTING LIGHT, the woman’s father told her at eighteen that he would send her brother to college but would not pay for her to attend. His advice to her was, “You’re good-looking. Go get a job until you find a man to take care of you.” Her mother added, “If you manipulate men with love, you can get anything you’ll ever want or need.” The subliminal message behind those statements included, “Your brother is valuable but you are not” and “Use your body and your looks to attract men. Then, use love as tool to manipulate them into taking care of you and you'll live a good life.”

Later, she would share that "men always make women feel like whores." In truth, it was her parents who taught her to use the same strategy that prostitutes use, namely, attract men with your body and fake them out with "love" in order to get money and be taken care of. The woman did not become a professional prostitute, per se, but her parents' advice did turn her into what some call a "lifestyle whore," driven to use body and looks, skilled at manipulating men, and willing to "fake love" in order to attain the lifestyle she wants. (Narcissistic men prey on certain women in the same way.)

Those words of her parents became her marching orders for life because they programmed and conditioned her to be narcissistic, to be a user, to be a manipulator, to believe that love is nothing more than a tool, and to identify with body alone. As far as the pointer that narcissists cannot know True Love but they mistake many other emotions as love, that applies as well: the woman in the case study has never earned her own way and has accumulated huge debts when alone. She married multiple times, always going for the wealthy man who was attracted to her looks and who was in a position to meet her financial desires and needs and to assuage her financial fears. Each time that some man was willing to “take care of her” (that is, was willing to “bail her out” and pay off her financial debts and cover all her expenses) she always mistook the feeling of “relief” for the emotion of “love.”

Now, compare her traits to the traits of narcissists in yestersday’s post that were taken from the DSM-IV: preoccupied with success, power, beauty, and ideal love, that is with “idealized” love; want to associate only with high-status, wealthy people; appear to care about people in order to use them; feel entitled; and are takers. Those are also the traits of the non-Realized, the traits that attach persons to their roles, that make them dependent and co-dependent, and that will almost always prevent them from ever seeking authenticity and Realization.

As far as “love” goes, narcissists are, of course, not the only ones giving lip service to it without having a clue about the unicity and True Self and what, therefore, “True Love” involves in this relative existence. For example, in another chapter of CASTING LIGHT ON THE DARK SIDE OF RELATIONSHIPS, the results of a survey of newlyweds are provided. 1000 women offered the top fifteen reasons they had recently married their husbands and 1000 men offered the top ten reasons that they had recently married their wives. What was not included in any of the top 25 reasons for marrying their spouses, as provided by the 2000 recently-married people who were surveyed? Guess. Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To be continued)
(FOR THE ANSWER AND FOR MORE OF THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN CASTING LIGHT)

Click CASTING LIGHT ON THE DARK SIDE OF RELATIONSHIPS

NARCISSISTS AND THE NON-REALIZED, Part One

FROM A SITE VISITOR: Why would you attack Anglos-Saxons as being more narcissistic than anyone else? I think if you look around you’ll see that other races are causing more troubles on the planet than the Anglo-Saxons.

F.: The first suggestion to you is to find WHO wrote this e-mail. Obviously, some false self certainly took something personally and then tried to shift the focus to “other races.” Next, though the Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD) can now be seen to dominate persons of many races and cultures all across the planet, the pointer offered yesterday was that Anglo-Saxon nations have historically shown a higher rate of narcissism than others. Aryans have been attacking and pillaging and plundering and taking and using and abusing for tens of thousands of years, a "right" assumed by all narcissists.

Further, modern researchers (conducting psychological, personality, and/or enneagram studies on an international basis) have uncovered higher than usual rates of narcissism among four nations specifically that have traditionally had Aryan-majority populations. If you study the traits of those with the “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” and then study world history, you’ll see evidence of what those studies now confirm. Why should Aryans especially be aware of the findings?

Suppose you were a member of a family that has historically been prone to heart disease. The(relative) interest of your physical health would be served if you were made aware of the fact. Suppose you were a member of a race that has historically been the one that is most prone to suffering from sickle cell anemia. The (relative) interest of your physical health would be served if you were made aware of the fact. Then, suppose you were a member of a race that has historically been the one that is most prone to suffering from “The Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” The (relative) interest of your mental and emotional health would be served if you were made aware of that fact.

Yet the typical narcissist could read this entire series that begins today and relate to none of the description of a narcissist, so it's not really for them. Instead, the postings in this series might enlighten some readers who are only beginning to adopt some of the traits of NPD and inspire them to stop that process. It might also enlighten some just enough to inspire them to stop empowering the narcissists in their relative lives or in their cultures or in their nations, once it is seen how dramatically narcissists continue to impact the relative existence of most on the planet.

As for the writer of the e-mail above, to move beyond your resentment, focus not on a perceived attack on your race but on the Advaita pointer that was being offered: peace and narcissism cannot co-exist, and Realization cannot happen as long as a narcissistic personality is present. Forget “them” then or “them” now. Forget "this race" or "that race" and focus on this: What about “you,” right now? Which narcissistic behaviors are marking "your" relative existence?

There are several reasons why narcissism was mentioned on an Advaita site: (1) narcissism blocks Realization; (2) persons across the globe have been, and are being, dominated and abused and used by those with the NPD disorder…in their “personal relations”…in their nations…and on the international stage; (3) the Advaita philosophy deals with being free of false images while narcissism inspires the adoption and maintenance of false images/ego-states; (4) ego-states and narcissistic arrogance have historically generated most of the misery on the planet and still continue to do so; and (5) because the influence of narcissistic nations is being imposed more and more on a global basis, more and more narcissistic behaviors are manifesting since cultures with narcissistic populations are modeling that behavior which, in turn, is manifesting in many cultures across the planet.

Therefore, the relevance to the Advaita Teachings should be clear: if one personality disorder had to be named that, more than any other, prevents the Realization process from happening, it would be NPD. The topic for consideration today is, “Why would ‘The Narcissistic Personality Disorder,’ more than any other, prevent Realization?”

Consider the traits of the relative existence of narcissists (and of your relative existence if dealing with dominating narcissists) in contrast to the traits of the Realized who live in the peaceful, AS IF fashion that was discussed on 27 May 2007. See how pervasive and domineering (and often popular) narcissists are on the planet in their roles of political leaders, employers, power brokers, entertainers, and yes, spouses. Moreover, realize that you have dealt with narcissists and that you are dealing with them on a daily basis right now, an assertion that can be made with confidence since so many persons on the planet are exhibiting the traits of the disorder. So, to understand narcissists, note first that what you see is never what you get with narcissists. They are in a constant state of flux, working to maintain a kind image one day but later revealing a brutal inner core.

The narcissist is the one you have admired, the one who you found to be at least somewhat physically attractive per your culture’s standards, the one who inspired you and charmed you, the one who lifted you up when you were down, the one who convinced you to give him/her your vote, the one who convinced you that you had finally found "Mr. or Ms. Right," the one who shared her/his beliefs and concepts with such conviction that you adopted those beliefs and accepted them as “right.” The narcissist is the one that seemed to have it so “together” that you emulated or admired that person. The narcissist is the one that might have made you feel "in love" to some degree and also made you feel "loved" or "truly cared about" to some degree when in that person’s presence or when hearing that person speak on television.

But the narcissist is also the one who, at some point, turned on you, inexplicably. As a leader, he was eventually shown to be adept at spinning the truth or to be an outright liar. If you entered into a "personal relationship" or a work-related "relationship" with a narcissist, that person's facade eventually began to fall on occasion and revealed a person who was not charming at all but was seen to be a ruthless cutthroat whose tongue could be a most vile weapon. The narcissist was seen to be one who talked about beliefs but who did not adhere to them because social standards only apply to the other, "lesser" individuals in any society.

The narcissist is the one who will claim to be so dedicated to peace that he/she is willing to send you off to fight and to die for the peace that the narcissist claims to want. The narcissist is the one who can tout his/her religious or spiritual principles one day but can violate them all the next. The narcissist is the one who can justify the use of physical torture when dealing with those he takes to be "the enemy" or mental and emotional torture when dealing with a spouse or employee who is not meeting every demand or expectation. The narcissist is not the harmless rope that, at first glance, was mistaken to be a deadly snake. The narcissist is the deadly snake that, at first glance, was taken to be a harmless rope.

If you are seeking Realization but are adopting some of the narcissistic tendencies that will be discussed in the upcoming posts, they will have to be abandoned before any movement along the path to Realization can happen. If you are moving along the path with some hope that one or more full-blown narcissists affecting your relative existence might change, abandon that hope. It will not likely happen. For today, the invitation is to determine why narcissism blocks Realization. Begin by considering this: the Advaita Teachings offer a means by which one can escape entrapment in personality (that is, can be free of identifying with a persona or false self) in order to escape relative existence suffering and misery. For narcissists, generating suffering and misery is the very essence of their relative existence. Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To be continued)