THE DARK TRIAD

TODAY'S CONSIDERATIONS

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THE DARK TRIAD:
Narcissism

While Maharaj spoke fifty or so years ago about how few will ever grasp the non-dual understanding, it was in 1965 that the university professor (who taught me the first of scores of college-level psychology courses which I would eventually take) made a similar point during his initial lecture. 

He said to us it was likely that none of us truly grasp the understanding of why we have thought the way that we have thought, why we have said the things we have said, and why we have done the things that we have done. 

He added that we were likely skeptical about that and that we were likely even offended by all of the implications of that statement; then, he said if we complete the course successfully, we’ll understand the roots of out skepticism and all of the aspects of our narcissism and our egotism and other defense mechanisms which are generating our present notion of being offended. 

He further stated that, for those of us that complete the course successfully, we may understand how and why we were all being driven by subconscious factors far more than by conscious factors. 

Next, he passed out the course syllabus and while in 1965 the term “The Dark Triad” would not be coined for another thirty-seven years, I did see terms such as narcissism, personality disorders, neuroses, psychoses, sociopathy, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, all of which - and more - we would be discussing in detail during the next several months. 

During the decades after earning a B.A. degree and an M.A. degree and becoming certified to teach basic-level psychology courses in all fifty states, I would see time and again how right that professor had been back in September of ‘65 and witnessed that indeed most persons – driven as they are by hidden and unconscious and subconscious psychological agendas - do not have a clue about why they think as they think, say what they say, and do what they do. 

Nowadays, more information is generally available to the masses regarding those three issues. Even such popular social magazines as “People” over the years offered articles on the enneagram personality inventory and narcissism and other psychology-based topics. 

Yesterday, a site visitor forwarded an article posted the day before in “Psychology Today” entitled “Five Predictable Grievances of Narcissists” by Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD. For us, the timing is fortuitous but opportune in light of our recent ongoing discussion of The Dark Triad; therefore, some of Eddy’s pointers will be shared. (You will also see some pointers relevant to the non-dual understanding as well.)

He began:

Those with narcissistic personalities are often preoccupied with grievances. 

The Basics 

What Is Narcissism? 

Whether you are dealing with a narcissist in your family, at work, in your community or even in politics, you will find that they are preoccupied with the past: bragging about how wonderful they have been, combined with numerous grievances about how people have treated them poorly. 

This seems like a strange combination at first. If they are so superior in their lives, then why do people treat them so badly? Or are they really being treated badly at all? Such statements and their resulting conflicts are absolutely predictable once you learn the interpersonal patterns of those with narcissistic personality disorder or traits. 

Interpersonal Patterns of Narcissists, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5), states that those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often “expect to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.” 

They also frequently “take advantage of others to achieve their own ends” and are “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” In other words, they truly believe they are superior to those around them—but they are not. 

They tend to live in a fantasy world that keeps being disrupted by reality. In a sense, they have self-esteem dysregulation: their unstable sense of self causes them to swing widely from their ideal fantasy self-image back to the imperfect or negative image contained in the feedback from the past and often explicitly from others in present time. 

Therefore, they are constantly defending their actions to shore up their fantasy superior self-image, and at the same time attacking those who criticize them or simply say: “You’re not so hot yourself, buddy!” 

In reality, we humans are a mix of strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives, skills and lack of skills. That’s why we must depend on each other and why those who stand out because of a particular skill often have deficits in other areas. In other words, we’re relatively equal as human beings and few if any people are truly superior people, even if they have a superior skill or quality. 

However, this concept is unbelievable to narcissists who, for one reason or another (abusive childhood, genetic tendencies at birth, or cultural upbringing), depend on this fantasy image of themselves to cope with life. 

The False Self 

This fantasy image has been called the “false self” by many psychological experts for more than sixty years, as mentioned recently by psychiatrist Allan Schore as he quoted earlier psychoanalysts Wolitsky and Eagle: The basic idea . . . seems to be that under the impact of trauma, certain defensive and defective structures (e.g., false self, a pseudo-adult self masking an underlying ego weakness) developed that are at the heart of the patient’s pathology. 

According to this view, what needs to be accomplished in treatment is a regression to the point at which these structures developed and a resumption of developmental growth along new and better pathways. But until a narcissist goes through productive therapy (which they rarely sign up for), he (or she) will be in constant conflict with those around him as he endlessly fights to regain his superior sense of self by complaining in the following predictable ways: 

1. “You don’t pay enough attention to me!” 

Despite demanding endless attention and admiration (another narcissistic trait in the DSM-5), they can’t absorb it. So, they really believe that they aren’t being paid enough attention, even though you may be exhausted from paying them so much attention. There’s a common saying that narcissists suck all the oxygen out of a room, and it can truly feel that way as they demand all of the attention. 

2. “You don’t respect me enough!” 

Narcissists demand disproportionate respect. When they do something small or routine, they expect you to excessively praise them. “Remember that time I fixed . . . ?” You probably could have done it more easily or quicker, but she still wants you to be in awe of her. 

On the other hand, when you do something really worthy of respect, she may be indifferent or jealous and quickly change the subject. Most narcissists rely heavily on those closest to them to help repair themselves after their numerous “narcissistic injuries” when other people or real life treats them as not superior at all. 

3. “You have too many rules!” 

Narcissists hate rules because they want to be free to do what they want. They consider themselves above rules—since they are superior, why should they have to abide by any rules at all? So, you made an agreement? Since they are superior, they don’t really have to follow it. There’s always a reason, so expect that agreements will be routinely broken or totally forgotten. It’s not a two-way street. 

You have to follow the rules, but they shouldn’t have to, in their minds. If you’re involved in a court case, such as a divorce, they won’t follow the judge’s orders because the judge didn’t understand how superior the narcissist is and therefore the order doesn’t need to be followed. 

In business, they consider themselves free to change plans without telling you and are often looking for a better deal from someone else—who will see them for the superior person they are and won’t have as many rules. In politics, they often justify breaking the rules because of someone else’s misbehavior, or they go on a mission to eliminate the rules and regulations that might restrain them. 

4. “This relationship is too confining!” 

Narcissists are often driven to have multiple relationships, to have more sources of “narcissistic supply” (people to fawn on them and give them excessive attention). They may have affairs during marriage, sometimes even two at once. But they want understanding of their superior needs, so they eventually may not try to keep them secret but instead demand your tolerance—since they are someone special with “uniquely strong needs.” 

At work, they want to come in late or leave early, or not be held accountable at all. They may treat their employees disdainfully but kiss up to their own superiors to avoid having consequences for their actions. They want to be their own boss, but they want the benefits of the organization taking care of them. 

In politics, they want to attack the government as overbearing and confining. They may think they are superior to the government and that people should just follow whatever they say today, instead of following long-standing rules. Since they are so superior, they should be free to replace the government instead of fitting into it. 

5. “You treat me so unfairly!” 

This may be the most common grievance of all. It usually means that you have treated them as an ordinary person rather than the fantasy of a superior person that they are holding onto. Or, you have criticized them for something—usually well-deserved. 

Most people have occasional criticisms of each other. (You left the cap off the toothpaste, you left work early yesterday, your workplace policies are lousy, etc.) Yet for a narcissist who believes that he is superior, it feels like excessive criticism when they receive the same level of criticism as everyone else—or more, because of their own disrespectful behavior. 

Since they tend to claim credit for the work of others and deny responsibility for the work they were supposed to do, they often do get more criticism than others. 

Yet they can’t connect this to their own behavior, which was the cause of the criticism in the first place. When you’re outrageous, you tend to get negative feedback. Yet for a narcissist, any negative feedback whatsoever feels unfair. 

Conclusion 

It’s hard to be a narcissist or be around a narcissist. The individual is always trying to shore up their own “false self” against the realities that they are an ordinary person, just like everyone else. Yet for those around a narcissist the consequences can range from being severely criticized to being physically abused or killed because of the interpersonal expression of the narcissist’s internal dynamics. 

It is important to realize that the extraordinary charm and glory that a narcissist can bring into another person’s or organization’s life is usually just a precursor to the disdain and destruction that those around them may go through in dealing with all of their grievances and the extreme behavior related to them. 

In general, it’s best to use personality awareness to keep your eyes open and avoid starting down the road of such a relationship in the first place. And if you’re already in such a relationship, it’s important to gain skills for managing the relationship or easing yourself out of it.

To be continued.

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Here, with those who are still driven to talk about "god," the "Son of god," the "Holy Spirit," "Buddha," "Krishna," etc., etc., etc., the invitation to them is to view those as verbs, not nouns.

THE EXPLANATION

If looked at as nouns, they point to illusions and are, therefore, a total waste of time to even discuss; if looked at as verbs which are resulting in certain sane but rare behaviors among humanity, then they are worthy of some attention during the relative existence.

Meaning? There are members of certain groups who say things such as "My concept of god in the past was of a weak god, an absentee god, A Santa Claus-type god, a mean, punishing, vindictive god, etc. Today, I am in close contact with a loving and caring god whom I worship and praise and glorify and give thanks to."

The reply to that usually goes like this: "If you are in contact with a god that wants to be worshipped and praised and glorified, then you're dealing with someone like yourself - a narcissist - and hanging out with narcissists will never bring an end to your narcissism (that narcissism evidenced by the fact that you think you are "godly").

Next, in the phrase 'loving and caring god,' any supposed god that truly had her or his act together would tell you that the totally irrelevant part of that phrase is 'god' and that the only part that is relevant is the "loving and caring" part.

"That is, a non-narcissistic their god / their goddess would say, "I care not an iota about being worshipped and praised and glorified by you or anyone else. How arrogant and insecure and needy would I have to be to want that? Forget the man-made, dreamed up noun 'god' and focus on the 'god as a verb' understanding and then go forth and let loving and caring be verbs - not adjectives - and let them generate the act of love and the act of caring and let those actions manifest through you." 

Yeshu'a (Jesus) and Pope John Paul II and Pope Francis were spot on:

"No one shall ever see 'the kingdom of heaven.' It is within"

--Yeshu'a (Jesus)

and 

"Heaven and earth shall fade away."

--Yeshu'a (Jesus)

and 

"Heaven and hell are not geographic places

but are states of mind, nothing more than

concepts dreamed up by men."

--Pope John Paul II 

"There is no hell."

--Pope Francis, the current pope

in an interview with journalist Eugenio Scalfari,

a writer used by the Pope to issue off the record

teachings which become a part of the Papal Magisterium. 

[That said, would that the popes who have shown the courage to reject a core concept of their dogma - namely, "hell" - would find the additional courage required to question the very existence of their institution in light of the centuries-long cover-up of their history of raping children and in light of the mental and emotional and psychological scarring of billions of their members past and present.

And that need for courage also applies as questions need to be asked about why so many other sky cults are still being supported and allowed to continue to exist as well. When certain types of programming and conditioning have been shown to blind the masses, they should end. Will they? Not likely. Why?

Because what the masses think and say and do is most influenced by the international crime families which hold sway over the masses as criminals conduct their planet-wide operations. What are the major international crime families and which are the most influential and have the largest memberships?

The Mafia / La Cosa Nostra; the Catholic Church (with it 1.2 billion followers) whose Vatican Bank worked for decades with the Mafia while laundering mob earnings (for a 15% all-profit charge by the Bank); Protestant and Evangelical Churches (with over 1.2 billion followers) like the one I was raised in where the youth director molested and sexually assaulted young girls; big business which has long created environments in which people have been abused; powerful political bodies like the U.S. Congress, etc., etc., etc.)

With all of those crime families, neither the followers nor the leadership ever voluntarily step down or shut down their criminal activities. Be they gangs, organized crime families, religions, big business, politicians, etc., they all want control and they all want power and they all want money, and nothing internal will interfere with the driving forces at play.

The masses must demand that all those in charge must step down and their groups and institutions must shut down, and there's the real problem because the continuation of their crimes are enabled not as much by the people running such crime organizations as they are enabled by the masses of people who - wanting some perceived "payoff" - remain involved with them and give them money and support them and aid and abet the continued existence of those criminal enterprises and thus facilitate the ability of church criminals and political criminals and other types of criminals to continue to commit their crimes.] 

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