FROM A SITE VISITOR: So the whole problem really begins with ego, right? Sam (PS Thanks for the blog site.)
F.: Ego-states either (a) invisibly drive those who assume false identities or (b) have been recognized and discarded so that persons formerly hijacked by false identities are now free or (c) will lead to destructive behaviors, relatively speaking. Ego-states have such influence over thought and behavior because they generate both codependency and interdependency.
First, codependency is fostered since “The Husband” must depend upon the presence of “The Wife” in order to “exist”; “The Employee” is co-dependent upon “The Employer”; “The Helper” is dependent upon the “The Needy”; “The Needy” and “The Takers” are dependent upon “The Loving” and “The Giving” and “The Helpers” for maintaining their ego-states; “The Users” depend on the “The Enablers” and "The Enablers" must depend on "The Users" in order to perpetuate their false identity;
F.: Ego-states either (a) invisibly drive those who assume false identities or (b) have been recognized and discarded so that persons formerly hijacked by false identities are now free or (c) will lead to destructive behaviors, relatively speaking. Ego-states have such influence over thought and behavior because they generate both codependency and interdependency.
First, codependency is fostered since “The Husband” must depend upon the presence of “The Wife” in order to “exist”; “The Employee” is co-dependent upon “The Employer”; “The Helper” is dependent upon the “The Needy”; “The Needy” and “The Takers” are dependent upon “The Loving” and “The Giving” and “The Helpers” for maintaining their ego-states; “The Users” depend on the “The Enablers” and "The Enablers" must depend on "The Users" in order to perpetuate their false identity;
“The One Who Is Loved So Dearly” is dependent upon “The Lover Who Is So Dear” for perpetuation of that role; and “The Compassionate, Caring Lover” is dependent on finding and keeping a person who is seeking compassion and needing love and wanting to be cared for. If one is really interested in a lifestyle that is more simple, then it must be seen that all of the wanting and seeking and desiring and searching and role-playing and dependency can become rather complicated, can it not? And if one is seeking freedom, it cannot manifest as long as dependencies are preferred.
Next, interdependencies are fostered since no ego-state will ever stand alone but will always generate more ego-states. As an example, in the case described yesterday, “The Wife” does not think that she is just losing “The Husband” but thinks she is losing all of the other roles that developed from the assumption of that primary identity as well: “The Homeowner” is dying; “The Active Socialite" and "The Social Entertainer” are gone; “The One Enjoyng the Benefits of the Status Quo” is gone; “The One With Status” is gone since one of the richer men in the community is leaving; “The Woman with High Esteem” is gone, having been left for “The Younger Woman.” “The Financially-Secure Person” is gone. “The One Who Can Retire Someday” feels that she is gone forever.
The list could go on, but focus now on the effects of being forced to see that things were never really the way they were assumed to be: when ego-states are struck by the light of reality which ends the false belief that “this is going to last forever,” persons are forced to recognize that their false identities are temporary and are forced to admit that they were all just phony illusions. Finding out that a lie is a lie (when it was thought to be 100% true) is a mental and emotional and physical shock…be it the discovery that there is no Santa, that there is no God with its male or female appendages, or that “until recently he’s always been a loving, faithful, caring spouse and I was always sure he would honor his vows and me forever.”
When the overwhelming mental and emotional and physical pain that accompanies the “death” of an ego-state is triggered among persons, then a series of disproportionate reactions will often follow since it is seldom the case that one, solitary ego-state is ending. When one identity comes tumbling down, the entire structure built on multiple codependent and interdependent (false) identities will collapse. If persons feel as if they are dying when an ego-state is seen to have been false, imagine the impact of a happening that brings about an end to the assumption of dozens of false identities. Thus, the quote from yesterday: “I think he’s just not himself right now and will come to his senses and return. If he doesn’t, I will kill myself.”
“He’s not himself” really means that (1) “he is no longer showing the phony image, that false self, that he showed in the past” and (2) “he is no longer meeting the image that I had dreamed up in my mind of the way I thought he was.” It also means that (3) “while I thought I knew someone better than anyone knew him, I have been sleeping with a stranger all these years” and that (4) “I would prefer to continue to live that lie and once again believe it is the truth than forfeit a false identity and use this event as an opportunity to find out Who or What I Truly Am and then be free for the first time in forty years.” Finally, it means (5) "I think I am dying now" instead of seeing the fact that "all along I have been living a 'death-in-life' existence with this guy and really only now have a chance to 'come alive'...that is, to find Who/What I Truly Am and then be free for the remainder of the manifestation of this consciousness."
The expression “I will kill myself” means that “I have so thoroughly accepted as my primary identity a role assigned to me by my family and my culture and a religious institution that I prefer death to no longer being able to continue to play a spurious role that has enslaved me to a selfish, controlling, dominating, narcissistic, self-absorbed person.” It would be tantamount to someone being held and tortured in Nanjing Prison in China, being released, walking about free, and then deciding that “You know, that wasn’t really so bad after all; in fact, I really had a pretty good thing with Nanjing. I think I'd like to go back and stay in that prison for the rest of my life.” Such is the inability to see clearly when trapped in the darkness of ego-states.
Does all this mean, therefore, that she should never have married? Of course not. Does it mean that if you're married, you must get a divorce to be free? Of course not. You might recall an earlier pointer offered to a “husband” who thought he was dying: “If you cling to the false identity of ‘husband,’ you shall never find the True Self, so peace will never happen consistently. If you find the True Self, then either ‘husbanding’ or ‘not husbanding’ can happen…and consistent peace will manifest either way.” The pointer to “The Wife” who thinks it is she who is dying is that misery and suffering almost always manifest when roles are assumed and when co-dependency and interdependencies are formed. Might a professional help guide her through the five stages of processing grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)? That’s certainly possible.
For the Advaitin seeker, however, there is another pointer that can be drawn, based on the scenario above: why not launch a preemptive strike against the ego and against all ego-states? Why not be rid of them on your terms rather than on someone else’s terms? Why not calmly and willingly discard each and every one of those false identities now, rather than waiting for them to be struck down violently and traumatically later on?
There is nothing that is happening right now that cannot continue to happen in the absence of ego-states. It is just that it will all happen from a position of neutrality, from the stance of the witness, from a condition of non-attachment and, therefore, from a state of true freedom in the absence of codependency. (By the way, if you are “in relationship” with someone who objects to your being that free, then you have an entirely different matter to consider, and if you do not want to be that free, then you have a greater matter, relatively speaking, to consider.)
Next, interdependencies are fostered since no ego-state will ever stand alone but will always generate more ego-states. As an example, in the case described yesterday, “The Wife” does not think that she is just losing “The Husband” but thinks she is losing all of the other roles that developed from the assumption of that primary identity as well: “The Homeowner” is dying; “The Active Socialite" and "The Social Entertainer” are gone; “The One Enjoyng the Benefits of the Status Quo” is gone; “The One With Status” is gone since one of the richer men in the community is leaving; “The Woman with High Esteem” is gone, having been left for “The Younger Woman.” “The Financially-Secure Person” is gone. “The One Who Can Retire Someday” feels that she is gone forever.
The list could go on, but focus now on the effects of being forced to see that things were never really the way they were assumed to be: when ego-states are struck by the light of reality which ends the false belief that “this is going to last forever,” persons are forced to recognize that their false identities are temporary and are forced to admit that they were all just phony illusions. Finding out that a lie is a lie (when it was thought to be 100% true) is a mental and emotional and physical shock…be it the discovery that there is no Santa, that there is no God with its male or female appendages, or that “until recently he’s always been a loving, faithful, caring spouse and I was always sure he would honor his vows and me forever.”
When the overwhelming mental and emotional and physical pain that accompanies the “death” of an ego-state is triggered among persons, then a series of disproportionate reactions will often follow since it is seldom the case that one, solitary ego-state is ending. When one identity comes tumbling down, the entire structure built on multiple codependent and interdependent (false) identities will collapse. If persons feel as if they are dying when an ego-state is seen to have been false, imagine the impact of a happening that brings about an end to the assumption of dozens of false identities. Thus, the quote from yesterday: “I think he’s just not himself right now and will come to his senses and return. If he doesn’t, I will kill myself.”
“He’s not himself” really means that (1) “he is no longer showing the phony image, that false self, that he showed in the past” and (2) “he is no longer meeting the image that I had dreamed up in my mind of the way I thought he was.” It also means that (3) “while I thought I knew someone better than anyone knew him, I have been sleeping with a stranger all these years” and that (4) “I would prefer to continue to live that lie and once again believe it is the truth than forfeit a false identity and use this event as an opportunity to find out Who or What I Truly Am and then be free for the first time in forty years.” Finally, it means (5) "I think I am dying now" instead of seeing the fact that "all along I have been living a 'death-in-life' existence with this guy and really only now have a chance to 'come alive'...that is, to find Who/What I Truly Am and then be free for the remainder of the manifestation of this consciousness."
The expression “I will kill myself” means that “I have so thoroughly accepted as my primary identity a role assigned to me by my family and my culture and a religious institution that I prefer death to no longer being able to continue to play a spurious role that has enslaved me to a selfish, controlling, dominating, narcissistic, self-absorbed person.” It would be tantamount to someone being held and tortured in Nanjing Prison in China, being released, walking about free, and then deciding that “You know, that wasn’t really so bad after all; in fact, I really had a pretty good thing with Nanjing. I think I'd like to go back and stay in that prison for the rest of my life.” Such is the inability to see clearly when trapped in the darkness of ego-states.
Does all this mean, therefore, that she should never have married? Of course not. Does it mean that if you're married, you must get a divorce to be free? Of course not. You might recall an earlier pointer offered to a “husband” who thought he was dying: “If you cling to the false identity of ‘husband,’ you shall never find the True Self, so peace will never happen consistently. If you find the True Self, then either ‘husbanding’ or ‘not husbanding’ can happen…and consistent peace will manifest either way.” The pointer to “The Wife” who thinks it is she who is dying is that misery and suffering almost always manifest when roles are assumed and when co-dependency and interdependencies are formed. Might a professional help guide her through the five stages of processing grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)? That’s certainly possible.
For the Advaitin seeker, however, there is another pointer that can be drawn, based on the scenario above: why not launch a preemptive strike against the ego and against all ego-states? Why not be rid of them on your terms rather than on someone else’s terms? Why not calmly and willingly discard each and every one of those false identities now, rather than waiting for them to be struck down violently and traumatically later on?
There is nothing that is happening right now that cannot continue to happen in the absence of ego-states. It is just that it will all happen from a position of neutrality, from the stance of the witness, from a condition of non-attachment and, therefore, from a state of true freedom in the absence of codependency. (By the way, if you are “in relationship” with someone who objects to your being that free, then you have an entirely different matter to consider, and if you do not want to be that free, then you have a greater matter, relatively speaking, to consider.)
All that having been said, how many will escape the effects of the emotional intoxication that accompanies ego-states and will thereby be reasonable enough and logical enough to accept nothing short of true and unequivocable freedom? Few. So it is. Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To continue on Tuesday, May 22. Out of town until then.)
WORKING ON ISSUES ARISING IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE NON-REALIZED, ON FINDING SOLUTIONS TO “RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS,” AND ON BEING FREE EVEN IF “IN A RELATIONSHIP”?
WORKING ON ISSUES ARISING IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE NON-REALIZED, ON FINDING SOLUTIONS TO “RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS,” AND ON BEING FREE EVEN IF “IN A RELATIONSHIP”?
