WHEN THE EARLIEST DUALITIES PLAGUE THE RELATIVE EXISTENCE OF ADULT-AGED PERSONS, Part Three

F.: [Continued from yesterday]: From entrapment in ego-states, and the egotism that they generate and the desire to accumulate that they inspire, it is a short leap from, “I love my wife” to “but she’s not enough…does not give me enough.” It is a short leap from “At one point I loved my husband,” to “but he has never honored me enough so now I hate him.”

The additional trap is this: all ego-states are rooted in co-dependency: employee cannot exist without employer; husband cannot exist without spouse; lover cannot exist without a lover; and “The Super Lover” cannot exist with multiple lovers. All co-dependency, in turn, robs one of freedom and thus generates a plethora of fears and desires and misery.

The planet-wide result of being programmed early on to believe in dualities is that billions of adult-aged humans behave as if they were children, trapped in “The Child” role as they are; thinking in their magical ways; believing that their dogma and other supernatural tales which are based in ancient myths are true; and speaking and acting in ways that reveal their disdain for logic and reason.

Yesterday, one example was offered of the way that the dualities of “good vs. bad” and “reward vs. punishment” and “want vs. don’t want,” programmed into children at an early age, can drive the thoughts and words and deeds of persons throughout their adulthood years.

Another example presented itself last week which illustrates the pointer as well. Prior to the last seminar, one employee was not going to be able to attend because it was being offered during his vacation. He had already been excused from attendance, but he was driven by “The Child” persona to write an e-mail to his supervisor.

That letter contained nearly two pages of examples of the good work he has done in the past. The lengthy exposé reminded the supervisor that he is a good employee, one of the best in fact, and deserves reward and certainly should not be punished for missing the seminar.

Rather than functioning as an adult, the content of his letter revealed that he is dominated by “The Child” who wants the “good” label and wants to avoid the “bad” label. His letter included assertions such as…

“I am a good employee. I’m not sure you know how good I am” (an upgrade on the dualistic illusion that I am a good boy). The content really said, “Please like me even if I don’t attend. Please continue to reward me in the future. Show me that you accept me…that you care…that you appreciate me just as I am. Say something that takes away my fears that you might think I’m not good enough.” It continued:

“I usually attend all training sessions and I volunteer for extra work and assignments with this company” (which really affirms again, I want you to see that I am a good boy.) Then, childishly, he suggested the dates be changed, though the timing worked well for several dozen employees and supervisors and had been arranged for weeks.

There was a letter that never needed to be written, his having been told already that he was excused. Realized, he would have enjoyed his time off; trapped in the ego-state of “The Child” (a setup from childhood programming and conditioning) he is instead driven by a fear of being punished; a desire to be seen as good; his wanting to receive rewards; a desire to get what he wants when he wants it; and his not wanting to be punished.

All those thoughts and words are derived from his having been trained to believe in duality, especially with the notions that “I am not enough, I am not good enough, and as a result I will never have enough, so I must accumulate in all areas.”

That setup drives persons throughout childhood, and then throughout adulthood, to try constantly to “sell or promote themselves”; to work at creating and maintaining a “positive image”; and to engage in a constant effort to market themselves as one who is not merely good but who is really good.

What about you? Have you been driven to try to sell or promote yourself? Have you been driven to work at creating and maintaining a “positive image”? Have you been driven to engage in a constant effort to market yourself as one who is not merely good but who is really good? Has your relative existence been marked by one disappointment after another when people did not buy into all that? Have you suffered because you are dependent on what (unawake and unaware) persons think of you? What an exhausting relative existence all that work and effort and engagement produces.

How impossible it becomes to relax and take it easy when being blindly driven by programming and conditioning from childhood. How impossible it is to enjoy any existence that is dominated by dualistic thoughts, dualistic words, and duality-inspired behavior. If you have not already, might You now be ready to take the steps that result is the casting aside of all beliefs and concepts?

Do you see that the continued belief in “their” concepts will guarantee the continuation of fluctuations and instability that produce periods of chaos as well as periods of harmony? Periods of “up’s” as well as periods of “down’s”; periods of behaving sanely as well as periods of acting like an immature child; and periods of happiness as well as periods of misery? Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To be continued)

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NARCISSISTS AND THE NON-REALIZED, Part Three

F.: Being so far removed from the Unchanging Reality (and thus so attuned to chaos and disorder and change and instability), narcissists will fluctuate and, as a result, will hate tomorrow what they love today; will contradict tomorrow what they say today; will deny tomorrow having said what they said today; and will claim today that they love peace but tomorrow will start a war. Being so far removed from the peace of knowing the True Self, they will attach to the fighting that is required to defend their false images and ego-states. They will be driven, and (as has been pointed out on this site before) he who is driven has no control over where he goes or how he goes…even if he is deluded into thinking he is in control.

Ultimately, they will be driven by their enthrallment with, and passion for, their false self. They will chase in their self-absorbed and merciless fashion their own indulgences, desires and authority, all to one end: to preserve at all costs their public persona, their well-honed illusion, and their counterfeit image which they present and which they believe is real. Narcissists can be effective teachers to this degree: observant seekers can see that everything narcissists do, say, feel or think is a cataloguing of what must be abandoned in order for Realization to happen.

For a more complete picture of the narcissist, review the traits of those exhibiting the Narcissistic Personality Disorder as reported in the DSM-IV.

Narcissists display an exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., they exaggerate their achievements and talents and expect to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); they exhibit a sense of grandiosity; one of their favorite statements in this area is, “I don’t have to put up with that.” Grandiosity and self-importance block Realization.

Narcissists display a preoccupation with their fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, living in their own “world” and reacting with affront when “reality” dares to intrude. Belief in fantasies and their false "world" blocks Realization.

Narcissists believe that they are special and can only be understood by, or should only associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions; many a narcissist has been “born into” a “high-status institution” such as a church or mosque or temple or business or political family or has been “re-born” into a “high-status” institution such as a church or mosque or temple or spiritual group; those associated with religious or spiritual groups often epitomize the height of religious and/or spiritual arrogance as well as the “my way or the highway” mentality. Believing in the duality of “special vs. non-special” as well as fixating at the third of seven steps to Reality (the religious or spiritual step) will block Full Realization.

Narcissists display an excessive requirement for admiration, wanting praise, compliments, expressions of envy, and reinforcement of their belief that they are better than all others; they appear to care about people, but they only use people because narcissists have a need for regular affirmation of their image by the masses in order for the narcissists to continue to believe that their image is real; at some deep, subconscious level, the narcissist knows that he/she is bogus and is a complete phony, but by working continuously to impress the masses or a selected group of people who are easily fooled by the narcissist’s act, the narcissist’s image receives the confirmation that it requires in order for the warped consciousness of the narcissist to continue to believe that its image is real. Attachment to a false self-image blocks Realization.

Narcissists display a sense of entitlement, believing that they deserve favorable treatment; the sense of entitlement also convinces them that all of their desires or needs should be met by others; thus, attractive female narcissists with that sense of entitlement (which convinces them that they should be taken care of) are often willing to trade their good looks for security, status, and/or position; likewise, financially-successful male narcissists (convinced that they are entitled to have all of their wishes fulfilled) are often willing to trade their income for an attractive mate who is willing to fulfill their every desire and provide status by proxy; in the end, a narcissist believes that the only justification for dealing with people is to use them to the benefit of the narcissist. To believe that one is “different” and deserves more than “others” blocks Realization.

Narcissists display a pattern of selfishly taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends; they are users and takers and will get what they want, no matter the effect on anyone else. Belief in “needs” and “others” will block Realization.

Narcissists display a total inability to feel empathy. The inability to know and feel the unicity will block Realization.

Narcissists display an envy of others while believing that others should envy them. Arrogance and concepts about “others” block Realization.

Narcissists display arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors and attitudes. Beliefs that generate those behaviors and attitudes block Realization.

Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To be continued)

NARCISSISTS AND THE NON-REALIZED, Part Two

F.: If you do not adumbrate every idea and belief held by narcissists, then their greatest desire is for you to be destroyed. They might try to destroy you financially or in terms of your feelings or even literally. Yet even if you adumbrate their every idea and belief, even if you try to meet their many demands, even if you acquiesce to their many desires, and even if you play into their unlimited fears that are hidden behind their cloak of bravado, you will still not be good enough, on any regular basis. The desire for conflict, destruction, judgment and self-serving concepts will prevent Realization.

You will never be able to please narcissists consistently because their desires and expectations are constantly shifting; therefore, they cannot be pleased (their public display of confidence and stability and calm notwithstanding). Pointing out your failures or shortcomings is easy for them, but as far as recognizing any of their own personality disorders or defects or failures, it will not likely ever happen. (One experienced psychotherapist who meets monthly with her peers said most agree that, for them, the two most difficult disorders to treat are eating disorders and narcissism.) The failures of narcissists will always be subjected to “the spin,” and they will claim their failures are really successes…or will be very soon. And if all does not turn out the way they predicted, it is your fault and/or the fault of others. Certainly no failure could possibly have anything to do with them. The propensity to spin lies rather than seek truth will block any opportunity for Realization to happen.

If you spend time in private with narcissists, that savoir faire image that they display in public will be shown to be a phony act, but they will still take their public image to be real. You will be shocked at some point at the level of rage that they can occasionally display. (They use rage in the unnatural way that some persons use sex, actually feeling a sense of relief in the state of exhaustion that follows their outbursts and feeling a sense of release that comes after the sharp elevation, and subsequent sharp decrease, in levels of adrenaline.) Attachment to phoniness, to images, and to rage will always block Realization.

You will no longer even recognize the one who you thought you knew, and that has to be the case since the narcissist does not know Who/What He or She Truly Is either. It is all image. You will eventually begin to "walk on eggshells" in their presence in an effort to avoid triggering another outburst. Those around narcissists or in dependent relations with them (employee, spouse, etc.) take adaptive measures because narcissists are not likely to ever change; therefore, those who stay around them must adapt in order to survive, either figuratively or literally.

As a result, those dealing with narcissists can eventually become as far removed from reality and the True Self as the narcissists. You’ll fail to keep the peace you're trying to maintain, of course, since narcissists really hate the peace, deep inside. The power they have over you and others is their aphrodisiac, whether their power is in the form of economic power, religious power, spiritual power, psychological power, military power, sexual power, powers of manipulation or any other form that relative power might take. Attachment to power and to delusions of grandeur blocks Realization.

And it will do no good to discuss with friends or family what the narcissist is like behind closed doors. The public persona is too fixed in the minds of those who have seen the narcissist and who have observed the public image that is displayed. And the reason that the public image of the narcissist is so fixed in their minds is because it is so fixed in the mind of the narcissist who truly believes his/her own lies, who really thinks she/he is that image being displayed, who really thinks he/she is "good" and "right" and "moral"...always and in all ways. Narcissists have no motivation to seek a different understanding because they are convinced that their beliefs or ideas or concepts or perceptions are always right. In fact, because they are always right, there is no need for introspection. The last thing a narcissist would ever do would be to question himself/herself. They never have to consider whether they are "right or wrong"...it's a given that their way is the right way. You will be labeled the one with a problem…not them. Narcissists and their supporters are “good and right” and those with differing views are “evil and wrong.” Attachment to concepts rooted in duality will prevent Realization.

Entire cultures or nations have become embroiled in their narcissistic leaders’ ego-based illusions and have taken them to be “their reality” as well. What egomaniac does not want to hear a megalomaniac declare that his nation is the greatest? Who among the non-Realized does not want to hear that his team is the greatest, that his town is the greatest, or that his religion is "the right one"? If a narcissist hears an Advaitin speak of “illusions” and “false images” and “phoniness” and "dogma that amounts to nothing more than modern versions of ancient myths," those words will trigger a contemptuous reaction from narcissists who hate what they will dismiss as "lofty nonsense." In contrast, those who begin to awaken to any degree at all are more likely to seek "the path to truth" and a guide to lead them through the steps to Realization.

Relatedly, nothing invokes more hatred in a narcissist than one who suggests being rid of phony images. No attack is perceived as more threatening to narcissists than a suggestion that their image is bogus. They are convinced that they really are the images that they display with such style and aplomb, and those who see only the roles that narcissists display in public are just as convinced. The desire to play-act (and to create and sustain false roles) will always prevent Realization.

Popular opinions regarding many narcissists will include the belief that “anyone seen in public to be so 'good,' so confident, so caring, so loving, so generous and so strong cannot possibly be living out an illusion. They cannot possibly be phony because they appear too sincere and too real; they must be the genuine article.” If you can’t “get along with them” or if you "don’t go along with them," then you are surely the one who is warped and wrong. They are fun to be around in public and they often make others "feel good," so any who do not agree with them will be dismissed as being "jealous or confused or just plain wrong."

Narcissists are the actors who take the starring role in The Drama of the Lie, and everything they do or say is pre-scripted. Their original lines were written by their programmers during childhood. Now they constantly write and revise and modify their lines so that the stage characters that they are playing will be taken to be real by everyone in their audiences. On stage, they can appear to play an humble role, but they actually hate sharing the spotlight with anyone else. Everyone is supposed to be a member of their audience, applauding them so enthusiastically that their inner sense of worthlessness is transformed into a sense of grand value.

Narcissists constantly seek reassurance that their images are real, so they need the masses to buy into their phony images and show respect and admiration for those images. When that happens, narcissists take that as confirmation that their phony images are real. They need those constant assurances in order to suppress any occasional feelings that might try to rise from deep within that would say, "You're a fraud and a fake and a phony." While trying to show publicly how kind and caring they are, their message is that if they have to be sadistic and destructive, it is because others “asked for it” by not following orders given or advice offered or warnings proffered. Is it becoming clear why NPD blocks the "path" to Realization for narcissists? Is it becoming clear that they model for seekers everything that must be abandoned in order for Full Realization to happen? Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To be continued)

EGO-STATES: Either The Invisible Drivers or The Former Hijackers or The Eventual Destroyers, Part One

FROM A SITE VISITOR: So the whole problem really begins with ego, right? Sam (PS Thanks for the blog site.)

F.: Hello, Sam. On the simpliest level, that’s a valid conclusion. As indicated in the title FROM THE I TO THE ABSOLUTE (a Seven-Step Journey to Reality), the Advaita “path” is really a “journey” that moves one away from identifying with the (false) “I” to abiding as the Absolute.

Once the body is taken to be the core identity, and once the “mind” has been distorted via programming and conditioning and enculturation, then the foundation has been laid...the foundation on which all personas will be built. After that, ego-states become the invisible force that drives all thought and conduct, and that results in a loss of any ability to choose. (If you are in a car and being driven, then you are in the passenger seat, the back seat, or the trunk, but you are not behind the steering wheel. One being driven has no ability to determine what the car does or where it goes. So it is when persons are driven by the agendas of their ego-states.)

“Ego” in Latin means “I,” and refers to the false identities (or roles or false selves or images or characters or shadow selves or personas) that are assigned and assumed and that are supported by ego-defense mechanisms once they are taken to be “Who I Am.” The ego-states can be recognized since they always follow the phrase “I am”: “I am a boy/girl”; “I am a lover”; “I am a wife/husband.” Once an ego-state is assumed, it immediately self-promotes itself to super status: "I am a Super Husband" or "I am a Super Wife" (and therefore deserve super, special treatment). Some of the ego-defense mechanisms that persons employ to try to sustain their false image(s) include: rationalization, projection, displacement, denial, intellectualization, repression, sublimation, and suppression.

The Advaitin practice of focusing on the “I AM” only is an invitation to ignore those false identities by breaking the habit of following the I AM with a litany of labels that your culture (or other cultures) have dreamed up. It is a means by which those traversing the first three steps of the “path” can begin to abandon the habit of constantly defining and re-defining who they think they are by using the labeling tools of their culture. Why abandon ego-states? Because they become the invisible driver in your relative existence, because they will become a hijacker and will hold you captive, and because they are the source of all destruction in the relative existence, including self-destruction.

The assumption of ego-states is at the root of all relative existence problems. Mentioned yesterday, one woman has defined herself with the limiting identity of “wife” (in fact, “The Super Dutiful Wife”) for twenty years. She gave her consent for her story to be shared, so it follows as an example of what can happen when ego-states are finally exposed and then trigger a desire to self-destruct:

“My husband is leaving me after 20 years. We never had children because he didn’t want them; he made me take charge of projects he wanted done but then raged when the bills for those projects came in; we have both held jobs throughout the entire marriage but he took both checks and controlled how the money was spent. He wanted sex nearly every day for 20 years, and so we had sex nearly every day.

“Friends said his talk about how ‘men like to trade up when they get in their forties and find a younger woman’ showed he was capable of doing exactly that. They made me furious when they said that. Friends and family said he probably had a companion on his frequent out-of-town trips when he made excuses about why I couldn’t go along. When he got an apartment in addition to our house so he could have ‘a quiet place to go to relax,’ friends said I should check that out, but I trusted him and I guess I didn’t really want to find out anything different from the way I thought things were.

“Then, a few weeks ago he said he wanted a divorce and I should ‘handle it and move on like he’s moving on.’ Now, people who knew both of us have told me that he’s been having an affair for years. Up until recently he’s always been a loving, faithful, caring spouse and I was always sure he would honor his vows and me forever, so I think he’s just not himself right now and will come to his senses and return. If he doesn’t, I will kill myself.” (She was advised to seek immediate professional help, and she is now seeing a therapist.)

To see how all reason and logic is abandoned when a false identity is assumed, around marriage for example, this example was offered in December of 2005:

A document (such as a marriage license) can inspire a false belief that a dependent role can define who you are. How grand is the lie? Take the fictional Thomas Smith as an example. He married Jane Jones and a man in a robe told her that she was now Mrs. Thomas Smith. She assumed that new identity and all the fears and expectations and desires that came with it. But her fears were realized when Thomas left her for Mary Martin. In a court, a man in a robe told Jane Jones/Mrs. Thomas Smith that she was no longer Mrs. Thomas Smith but could once again be Miss Jane Jones; shortly after that event, another man in a robe told Mary Martin that she was Mrs. Thomas Smith.

She assumed that new identity and all the fears and expectations and desires that came with it. But her fears were realized when Thomas left her for Patty Prentiss. In a court, a man in a robe told Mary Martin/Mrs. Thomas Smith that she was no longer Mrs. Thomas Smith but could once again be Miss Mary Martin; shortly after that event, another man in a robe told Patty Prentiss that she was Mrs. Thomas Smith.

Do you see the insanity of assuming identities? "Mrs. Thomas Smith" was a role assumed by three different persons, and all three really believed that they were who and what their culture told them that they were. But the culture told three different persons that they were the same person. In the remote past, Jane was Mrs. Thomas Smith; in the past Mary was Mrs. Thomas Smith; in the present, Patty is Mrs. Thomas Smith. One can guess that in the future, Patty will not be Mrs. Thomas Smith.

From this example, isn’t it clear that any assumption of any persona as a real identity is an insane case of mistaken, false identity? Are you assuming any false identities as real identities? Are you unconsciously listening to all the persons in your culture who haven't a clue as to Who They Truly Are while unconsciously allowing them to tell you who or what you are? Then you'll also unconsciously accept all the fears and desires and expectations that come with roles and that guarantee misery in the relative existence.

It is no wonder that so many persons reach a point where they admit, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” Tomorrow, the destructive force of ego-states will be discussed via the example above in which a woman who has said “I am a wife” for two decades now faces the reality of having to declare, “I am not a wife.” As a result, she has threatened to kill herself (meaning, the “not wife” is sensing the “loss” of a false self, is feeling that a real self is dying, and is ready to avoid having to process the imaginary demise of a culturally-assigned identity by killing herself). If only she had made that “not wife” declaration decades ago and had found her True Self, then all of the “wife-type happenings” could have continued without the limiting, false identification with a role that has now triggered a desire to self-destruct.

How about you? Are you aware of the fact that all of your anger or emotional intoxication or hurt is rooted in an ego-state? Are you aware that each ego-state prizes above all else it's sense of self-worth and will fight to the death to sustain that false self that desires to be seen as being worthy and valuable and wonderful? When was the last time that "you" became upset? Can you identify which ego-state felt hurt or interfered with or threatened in that incident? Please enter the silence of contemplation. (To be continued)