FROM A SITE VISITOR: I’ve done a lot of searching through your writings about relationship problems and personas and all that. I’ve tried to detach. So why can’t I get over the fact that my ex-husband is with another woman while I’m alone trying to raise two children. I was faithful—he had an affair and left. I’m miserable and I’m jealous and I don’t want to be. Anonymous. PS Should I sign up for the one-on-one sessions with you?
F.: Hello Anonymous. First, understand that this relative circumstance you describe is understandably miserable at this point. Understand, too, that the misery and suffering can come to an end.
You are also invited to see that, at some point, an ability to separate from the various roles that are currently engaged—including “The Ex-Wife,” “The Single Mom,” “The Wronged Person,” “The Lonely Woman,” “The Overwhelmed, Overworked Single Parent” and many others—can provide respite.
That point, however, is not now. Further, at this stage, a one-on-one Advaita session is not the first step that you need to take; instead, I’d suggest that you spend time with an effective, professional counselor who might be able to guide you through the processing of these events and the associated suffering.
But for the jealousy, know that to suffer the pleasure of others is foolish to the degree that whatever gives persons pleasure will eventually give them misery and that whatever gives them the most pleasure will eventually give them the most misery.
If you disagree, look back to earlier times with this same man that you were married to. Your relationship with him must have surely had its moments of pleasure. It also must have surely had its moments of tremendous pleasure. But then came misery, and now has come tremendous misery.
The pleasure-to-misery gamut can apply to the enjoyment of sugar which can give way to diabetes; to substances used to cope but which eventually turn and remove all ability to cope; and to relationships which run the continuum from stranger to acquaintance to friend to lover to fiancé/fiancée to spouse to a source of pleasure to a source of disgust to a source of misery to an enemy and to a mortal enemy.
Such is the toll of attachment, of dependence, and of all of the other elements that mark most relationships that almost always have nothing whatsoever to do with “Real Love.” That pleasure-to-misery continuum shall also be the fate of whoever you’ve feeling jealous of, so wherefore this suffering the pleasure (and misery) of others?
At this point, you are not trapped in the games and the drama and the histrionics that are generated by the role-playing that goes on in the various stages of that continuum. The persons of whom you are jealous? They are, so honestly, wherefore jealousy?
There are many Advaita pointers that could be applied here, but instead, let it be said that your misery is felt, that the relative magnitude of the challenges that you are facing are understood, and that there is no effort to minimize the suffering you are currently experiencing; yet, professional assistance is available if you seek it out. For now, the suggestion is that you seek that assistance and not the Advaita understanding.
Finally, an effective counselor can help guide you not only through the psychological processing required to move beyond where you currently are but also to a recognition of the thinking and beliefs that got you into the situation in the first place. The latter can prove to be very Advaita-like in its revelations.
Remember, when relationships fail, people ask "What happened?" and the answer always focuses on events that happened at the end of the relationship. If you would truly understand and avoid a repetition of the same scenario again, then understand what happened at the beginning. The "mistakes" were not at the end; they were at the beginning.
Why? Because "love" is not blind; instead, it is color-blind: it cannot see red flags, no matter how vigorously they are being waved.
Best regards to you as you seek the answers to your current questions and as you find the other questions that must be asked and answered if you would be truly free and happy. Please visit the site again at some point, hopefully after you’ve processed what must be processed for now with able counsel. After that, Advaita pointers can be discussed. Please enter the silence of contemplation.
TWO OFFERINGS ARE AVAILABLE:
More and more seekers are requesting an understanding of how a personality formed in childhood is still determining and controlling everything that is thought or said or done in adulthood. Others have inquired about an opportunity to speak one-on-one about the seven-step “path” to Realization.
Thus, two opportunities are being offered from now until Dec 15th at 50% off:
PERSONALITY TYPING:
Here’s what is included in the package that is available for the next two months (the service available to international visitors but these price being only for the Continental U.S.):
A copy of the personality test (B) Priority mailing of the test (C) Analysis of the test results (D) A one-hour telephone session to discuss the results (E) the cost of the telephone conference. Cost is US$95.
ONE-ON-ONE SATSANG VIA TELE-CONFERENCE
For the next two months, a tele-conference to discuss any aspects of the Advaita teachings one-on-one will be offered. [Rich from the
To arrange either package, visit http://floydhenderson.com/order.htm, provide all of the information requested, and in the message box at the bottom, indicate that you want to make arrangements for the PERSONALITY TYPING or for the ONE-ON-ONE ADVAITA SESSION or both.
